Fired up on mungbeans and soy machiattos, the Ultra-Leftist 10-stone enforcer Stephen Mayne took time out from shareholder meetings and dodging punches thrown by News Ltd freedom fighters to spew his bile at a man whose only interest is to preserve the legacy of our embattled publishing saint, Rupert Murdoch.
Yes, you heard me. Three words: Rupert. Murdoch. Saint. Like Anne Frank crouching in a ceiling space waiting for the Nazis to arrive, this is a persecuted man who loves his children (even the corrupt and forgetful ones), who has fought for press freedom everywhere (except China, where the size of the market is just too big to stand up for Freedom, but let that be for a moment) and who understands intimately his readers' concerns (which he achieves by tapping phones).
The Smug Left will never understand these achievements. Sitting around idly at cafes in Prahan and Paddington, thumbing through copies of The Monthly and mulling over colour schemes for their renovated nurseries, these shallow hipsters do not know what it is like to Fight for Freedom or die in wars championed by newspapers to eliminate non-existent weapons of mass destruction.
Meanwhile, the greatest Australian-American ever to walk this earth in Gucci slippers and a camel housecoat is holding governments to account around the world by publishing creative perspectives about climate science from self-proclaimed peers of the realm, by exposing the norks of nubile teenagers and by Generally Making Things Up. This is NOT easy. But someone has to do it to Preserve Our Liberties.
You see, there are two types of people in the world. Some are humble people, who love their families and their country. These people are plain-speaking realists who are not afraid to stand up in the face of mighty threats to denounce the Greens as f**cking loser d**kheads with sh*t for brains who want to Destroy our Very Way of Life in Australia. Let us call these brave souls The Right (as in They Are Right).
On the other side you have sneering elitists with degrees in post-modern literature and sociology, who hate their children, spit on the flag and cheer wildly at mass murders in Norway, knowing that they can use these events to pour constant scorn on gun club members and those who want to ban the burqa and swear at suspected Muslim terrorists shopping at Big W. Let us call them The Left (as in They Are Wrong).
Not content with fomenting extremism all around the world, these bleeding hearts now want to debate the power and concentration of the media. Debate! Let me put that another way. Debate is code for Close Down Scrutiny of the Government. These Totalitarians in Timberlands want to Silence Alan Jones. Brave Alan.
Ask yourself this: Is a media debate worth the loss of your right to call Alan's show after 16 beers and suggest Julia Gillard be stuck in a hessan sack and dumped in Sydney harbour? Do you want these 'liberals', with their pesky and long-winded questions and demands for 'diversity', to rob you of your right to get a skinful and scoot down to Cronulla on Alan's orders to take a crowbar to a few Lebs?
Now clearly, there are some reasonable people of The Left out there - the ones who take their dose of manufactured delusion each day from the Herald Sun and Daily Telegraph and just Shut the F*ck Up. But those people are not the ones making the trouble. Those people are not the ones driving our economy into the ground with their Special Pleading for schools and hospitals and other Entitlement Programs, or taxing our productive brown coal industries to death with their climate delusions.
The answer to this extremism is to embrace the default mainstream position of ordinary Australians - who jealously guard their rights to be fearful and suspicious within their own homes and who are distrustful of meddling liberals who insist on asking questions of your media
So Stand Up for Freedom! Actually, you sit down. We'll do the standing. Thanks.
(The author would like to thank Joe Hildebrand for the inspiration).